Sunday, January 02, 2011
Okay, so after months of neglecting this space and leaving it to melt and wilt away, I've decided to go public and open my private space to the world again. The whole of 2010, brake-fluid remained locked, thrust into secret depths only because I wanted to protect myself from people. From the outside world. Afraid of allowing other beings to see myself and my past more lucidly. Afraid of negativity and harsh judgments that may circulate stemming from the latter. And So, I had absolutely no intention of allowing trespassers to tread on my personal past and history. Dislike button for the both items in the cart.
After considerable contemplation, however, perhaps brake-fluid is the only platform where I can freely air my thoughts and make space for my virtual vomit, the only avenue for me to be who I am, to stay true to my feelings and takes on various issues in life. Also, writing makes me feel serene. Not having to deal with multitudes of complications that plague reality, not having to fence up intrinsic thoughts by faking a positive countenance in real life. I hate reality. Writing makes me feel like I'm in another world. Maybe this is what they call heaven on earth.
Writing makes me get to know myself deeper, better, see myself clearer. Akin to an oxygen tank that vehemently reminds me of my mortality. Allows me to appreciate people better too. Yes, I did say I abhor reality. I almost want to stab reality in its face so that it vanishes from my life forever. But, it's the people around me who make my reality somewhat better. My family, friends, my boyfriend. I haven't been writing much about my boyfriend since I moved into hall. And I think I owe him countless of 'thank you's which will never ever be enough for all that he has done and sacrificed for me. I'm a difficult girl to manage. I have my tempers, my highs and lows, yes I know, who doesn't? But for those who have forsaken me and given up on me because of my angst and inherent anger, I don't blame. But TWW hasn't, and I hope he will never. Actually, I know he will never. And that's the thing that makes me sad. Because if I continue with my childish and wayward ways, it will only make life more difficult for him.
I just want to tell him: "I love you so much, I never thought I'd say this publicly but I don't ever want to leave you, Tan Wei Wen. (:"
Labels: life, public, TANWEIWEN, writing
YI XIAN 8:45 AM
